Let's
pretend that ten-year-old Lily has given your students the first draft
of her story, asking them how she can make it better. Ah, what a
wonderful opportunity for them to read slowly, carefully, and
analytically and to respond with comments that are kind, insightful, and
helpful.
Copy Lily's first draft into a document
and print it, allowing your students to write their questions and
comments directly on it, or copy it to a Word or PDF document and let
them use the review feature.
When I did a similar exercise
with a class of high schoolers last year, they sat a little straighter
and acted a little smarter as they took the role of mentor. They were
able to notice problems in another person's work that they were blind to
in their own. I guess that's typical, though, isn't it?!
***
The Poor Little Girl Who Became a Princess, draft 1
By Lily
Once upon a time there was a poor girl whose father was blind and
very old. Because he was blind and could not work, took her water pot
from the shelf where she kept it and went to get water at a nearby well.
One day when she was taking her water pot down from the shelf, she
found four beautiful jewels inside. She did not know what they were
because she had never seen jewels before. Even though she did not know
what they were, she thought they were very beautiful and wanted to keep
them. She hid them under her dust cloth and took the pot and went to
get water as she usually did. She did not expect the strange incident
to happen again.
The next day she woke up and, after fixing breakfast, went to get her water pot.
She found that inside were a handful of jewels, even more beautiful
than before. She did the same as she had done with the jewels she had
found the day before. That night she thought that this was very strange
and wondered who had been putting jewels in her water pot.
The next day she went and looked in her pot and found that there were
two handfuls of jewels, even more beautiful than before. She put them
under the dust cloth and went to fetch water, just as she usually did.
That night she thought about the person who had put the jewels in her
water pot. She wanted to find out who the person was.
The
next day, she ran to her water pot and found three handfuls inside.
This time she decided to go and show them to her father. While she was
bringing them to his room, she remembered that he was blind and would
not be able to see them. But, she thought, he might know what they are
and he would be able to feel them. So, she put the jewels in her
father’s hands, and described them. He knew at once what they were and
told her that they were worth a lot of money. So she went and sold
some of them, but kept the first four, because she thought, “I might use
them for something someday.” By the end of the day, she and her
father had a big house, plenty of food, and good clothes to wear.
The next day, she decided to go and sell her old clothes which
weren’t very ragged yet. She sold them to a poor man, who thanked her
and told her that his wife would need them. She went to bed that night
and decided that it had been very good that she sold them and thought
about how blessed the man and his wife would feel.
The next
day it was very early in the morning when she heard a knock at the
door. She answered it and when she opened the door, she saw that there
was a man dressed in rich clothes. He asked her if this was the Smith
household and she said it was. He handed her an invitation to a ball
at the palace. She thanked him and he went away and she shut the
door. She hurried to her room to get her best clothes ready.
That night at the ball she got to dance with the prince and they fell
in love. And soon after, they were married. And they lived happily
ever after.
Lily
actually sent me her story for my mentoring help. She revised it a
couple of times and sent me her "new and improved" version.
Ask your students to read both drafts carefully, writing down their observations of what Lily did to make her story better.
***
The Poor Little Girl Who Became a Princess, Revised
By Lily
Once upon a time there was a poor girl whose father was blind and
very old. Because he was blind and could not work, she had to do all the
housework by herself. Every day she took her water pot from the shelf
and went to get water at a nearby well.
One day while
cleaning the house, she removed her water pot so that she could dust
the shelf. As she was finishing the task, she peeked inside and found
four beautiful jewels. Each one was a different, rich color. She
reached inside and picked one up. It was smooth and slippery. “What
is it?” she wondered. She thought they were interesting, so she wanted
to keep them. Then she hid them under her dust cloth and took the pot
to get water as she usually did. She did not expect the strange
incident to happen again.
The following morning she woke up
and, after fixing breakfast, hurried to get her water pot. Again she
found a handful of jewels. She put those under her dust cloth, too.
That night she thought that this was very strange. “Who is putting
those beautiful things in my water pot?” she thought.
When
she woke up the next day, she quickly ran and looked in her pot and
discovered that there were two handfuls of jewels. She put them under
the dust cloth and walked to the well, just as she usually did. That
night she wondered greatly about who had been doing this strangely
wonderful deed. She wanted to find out who the person could be.
As soon as she awoke, she ran to her water pot and found three
handfuls inside. This time she decided to go and show them to her
father. “He might know what they are,” she thought. So, she put the
jewels in her father’s hands, and described them.
“These are jewels Mary! They are worth a lot of money!” he said excitedly.
So
she hurried to sell some of them, but kept the first four, because she
thought, “I might use them for something someday.” She earned 16,000
gold coins.
Later that day she decided to give away her old
clothes which weren’t very ragged. She gave them to a poor man, who
thanked her and told her that his wife needed them. She went to bed
that night and thought about how blessed the man and his wife felt.
Very early the next morning, she heard a knock at the door. When she
opened the door, she saw a footman from the palace dressed in rich
clothes. “Good morning. Here is an invitation to the royal ball,” he
announced.
“THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!” she yelled and then slammed the door. She dashed to her room to get her best gown ready.
That night at the ball she danced with the prince and they fell in
love. Later that night, they sat together and talked. “So, tell me how
you grew up,” the prince said.
“Well, me and my father were
very poor until one day someone started putting jewels in my water
pot,” she replied. Then, she had an idea. “Do you know who put jewels
in my water pot?” she asked. The prince was about to answer when they
both heard a deep voice.
“I did.”
The prince jumped. “Father?” he said. They both turned around. There standing in front of them was the king himself!
The girl quickly curtsied and said, “Your Majesty.”
“No need,” he continued. “I did, because when you went to fetch water
every morning I noticed how kind and gentle you are. I wanted my son
to marry you and I knew that the only way he could see you was at a
ball, and the only way you could be invited was if you were wealthy.
So, I did.” He smiled. “I can see that my plans went just as I
pleased,” he said. The prince and the girl were speechless. Suddenly
the girl broke the silence.
“I must tell my father! He will be so grateful to you.”
The king replied, “Certainly you will tell your father. You may go home to tell him right now.”
When the girl returned, she brought her father with her. “My lord,” he murmured.
“My good man, it pleases me to know that you raised such a kind and
beautiful daughter,” the king told him. The girl’s father smiled with
pride. “Will you give your permission for my son to marry your
daughter?” the king asked.
“Yes, of course,” the girl’s father replied.
The wedding was splendid. And so, with lots of love (and great riches) they all lived happily ever after.
THE END
Max has two brothers. One collects coins; the other, stamps. Max wants
to collect something, too, so he begins a collection of words.
